“When it comes to starting a conversation, ask a question, answer that question yourself, then ask again – in your first communication,” says Laurel House, a dating and relationship coach and host of the Man Whisperer podcast. “This breaks through the ice, tells them something about who you are, and gives an example of the type of response you how to get back from them.”
“Here’s a simple system for asking someone out: Let the initial Tinder exchange come to a natural conclusion, and then write something like, ‘We should meet for a drink. What’s your number?’” says Barrett. “That’s all it takes.”
Do: Be Straightforward About How Serious You Are
“Dating apps and online dating make casual ‘hangouts’ not only easy, but expected,” notes House. “If you’re sick of the casual ‘hangout’ that leads to a casual non-committal relationship, you need to take control of the dating platform and set the expectation of being serious and on-purpose for a real relationship by creating opportunities for real connection through pre-date conversations where you ask real substantive questions and make an effort to pre-qualify. Then go on a real date. Not a coffee date or a quick drink, but a date.”
Don’t: Get Sexual
“Don’t get sexual with your initial Tinder or text messages,” cautions Barrett. “Think friendly, not filthy. Sounding too turned on too soon can come across as vulgar. But if you’re witty , flirt a little. On Tinder, wit goes a long way and makes you stand out.An opener that’s flirty and funny won’t just break the ice. It will melt the ice.”
Do: Confirm Your Date
“Text to confirm your date, time, and location the day before or morning of the date by saying, ‘Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow at X at X p.m.!’,” suggests House.
Don’t: Freak Out Over a Non-Response
“Don’t be afraid of ‘ghosts.’ Sometimes, you’ll be messaging someone and they go quiet,” says Barrett. “It’s just the nature of the platform. Some people get hundreds of matches per week and they just can’t keep up with all the messages. Laugh it off. It’s not personal. It’s Tinder.”
What to Do When It Works
When your Tinder conversation seems to be going somewhere, it’s magical. Sparks fly. Bells chime. Birds sing. But if you don’t have a lot of flirting experience, it can be hard to know what’s actually going on. What are the mechanics at work behind a good flirtation session?
Good flirting isn’t particularly complicated – it’s creating a unique conversation between you and your match by engaging enough that they want to come along for the ride.
If you make your Tinder match ling up an outlandish situation, creating a running gag, or instituting some form of emoji code, you’re halfway to a good first date already. The key is using what you’re good at and interested in, what you know about your match, and combining those factors to create a unique conversation that your match will enjoy and remember.
Even if you discover there’s no physical or sexual chemistry later on, conversational chemistry at the outset is a huge factor when it comes to someone wanting to go on a first date with you. Of course, actual, real-life dates are a much better indicator of whether there’s a future for the two of you in the cards than just your Tinder conversations.
What to Do When It Doesn’t Work
A bad Tinder conversation is more than just a reason to unmatch the other person. Sometimes, they’re so bad you have to consider even deleting the app – or maybe humanity entirely. There are definitely ways to avoid death by boredom, such as actually reading people’s Tinder bios, for one, and not just swiping right on every single human, for two, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still be a few messages deep before realizing it’s going nowhere.